Clear As Chocolate Pudding

Any other time, if my best friend Starr Ann (hi, Starr Ann) went to all the trouble to dress for town, she'd stay there long enough to get her whole backlog of errands taken care of. Any other time, it'd get so late I'd start to wonder if everything was okay. Well, the morning Starr Ann and Jodie went to meet with Jodie's publisher and left me alone with Destiny Jane didn't turn out like usual.

Right about the time Destiny Jane made that nice comment where she kinda compared me to a piece of fruitcake made with bourbon whiskey, which gives it a little bite, just the way she likes it, here comes Starr Ann and Jodie riding back up, big as anything. So, instead of progressing back inside for a little while, just Destiny Jane and me, the four of us ended up taking a trail ride. All afternoon. Until suppertime.

I was feeling real smug though, thinking to myself the whole way that Destiny Jane was bound to take me up on the offer to sleep in my room. The farther out we got on that ride, the more I told myself a little anticipation never hurt anybody.

We were all half starved by the time we finally got home and got the horses squared away. Once we hit the kitchen, everybody jumped in on fixing supper like we'd been working together forever. Eventually, talk got around to Starr Ann's bunkers, and Destiny Jane seemed to be real innerested.

Then Starr Ann said, all casual, as if she wasn't doing the prurient equivalent of sliding a knife between my ribs, "Since the moon's fairly new, tonight'll be a good dark one for testing some equipment in my bunkers. Be happy to have your company and show them to you, Destiny, if that sounds inviting."

"Sounds about as inviting as flute music noodling down a holler in the green lighting right before a downpour."

Starr Ann slapped her leg and sealed the fate of my evening. "Then we'll head out soon as supper dishes are done."

Not long after they left, I filled up a bunch of water jugs and carried them down to where that truck of Destiny Jane's sits stuck in mud that was drying way too quick. Lucky for me, that bad tire was in a little dip that held moisture real well. It only took me two trips to soak things up bad enough to make it impossible to get a jack stable underneath there. Heh. Someday, Destiny Jane and I are gonna laugh about all this.

They didn't get back from the bunker run until way after it got light. And, of course, they were both so tired all they could do was fall dead asleep after I fed them breakfast.

Later on, Starr Ann was the first one up. She looked like a little cleaned-up kid walking into the barn all sharp and fresh, with her hair still slightly damp.

I said, "So did Destiny Jane like the shelters?"

Starr Ann smiled and said, "Does a ruby-throat like a trumpet vine?"

I had to shake my head. "You're starting to talk like Destiny Jane, you know that Starr Ann?"

Starr Ann tilted her head sideways. "I'm getting an Indiana accent?"

"No, silly. I mean all the analogical language."

Starr Ann tilted her head to the other side. "Margo, sometimes you make about as much sense as clothes on a cartoon character."

"You're telling me you haven't noticed anything about how Destiny Jane talks?"

"Well, sure. I hear a trace of Indiana accent, but it's not that much different from ours."

When she gets like that, there's just no place to go with Starr Ann, so I dropped the whole subject. "Okay, Starr Ann, then let me ask you this. Did Destiny Jane mention anything about how long she can afford to be stuck here?"

"Not a thing. Why?"

"Because, Starr Ann, I'd like nothing better than for it to rain real hard for about a week, to keep that truck right where it is, if you get my drift."

Starr Ann started nodding her head all of a sudden and she gave out a low whistle. "Dang, guess I've been as dense as an oil executive testifying before Congress about record profits." She kissed my cheek. "I'm real sorry."

By the time Destiny Jane woke up, Starr Ann had a real romantic dinner ready, and as she put it on the table, she made her excuses about leaving us alone. Said she was spending the night over at Jodie's and not to expect her home until late the next day.

As Destiny Jane and I started eating, I heard Starr Ann turn on the outside water spigot before she rode off. And when I checked later, all those jugs were missing.

Feelings, FEMA, and Frogs

So, I was cutting our grass yesterday, right? I know. I know. Lawn is bad for the environment. Believe me, we're planting trees like crazy at the Happy Hands Ranch, looking forward to the day when the area around our house is lawn-free. But for now, we still have to mow, and because the horses tend to founder on sugary weeds in late summer, we keep the pastures cut so they're grassy instead of weedy. At least we never use herbicides or pesticides. Ever.

Anyway, I was riding along and I saw movement near this muddy spot out by the tall cottonwood. Yep. It was that frog up there. I took that picture of him and on the way inside to show it to Starr Ann, I named him Rickles.

As I reached Starr Ann, I teared up and blurted out, "Look at this baby I almost ran over with the tractor. I almost killed this adorable thing."

Starr Ann looked at me real hard before glancing at the photo. "Yeah, he's something, all right. Looks a little like Bates, doesn't he?"

It was true. That dark, judgmental expression looked a whole lot like our weird little puppy does right before he bites somebody. My heart just melted. I really did start crying then.

Starr Ann's words got real swirly, as if she were talking to a little kid. "Hey, Margo, you know how I always let you and Jodie send me off to one of my bunkers when I'm PMSing?"

Starr Ann could really get off subject. "Yes."

"Well, how would you like to spend a few days in one of the shelters?"

"No, thanks."

"Now, Margo, don't be hasty. It'd be good practice for when the Feds start rounding people up in the FEMA camps."

I laughed. "Who needs practice? We go underground. We eat freeze-dried food. We sneak out at night to care for the horses. We get real pale." Seemed pretty straightforward to me. "Don't see a need to practice."

"What about if I call Celia Susan and you two hole up in a bunker together for a few days? That sound fun?"

"Starr Ann, what makes you think I'd want to go off to one of your bunkers and play FEMA camp emergency sex slave with Celia Susan?"

"Give it up, Margo. Your room isn't that far from mine. Does the phrase 'Put this somewhere, the guards are coming' mean anything to you?"

I guess I started crying again. "Awwwww, now I'm missing Celia real bad."

Starr Ann put her arm around me as she walked me to my room. "I know you do. Now just pack up enough clothes for three days, okay? I'll be back in a few minutes."

"But what about the grass? And you know how directionally challenged I get during PMS. Prolly couldn't even find a bunker."

Starr Ann said she'd take care of all that, so I packed some stuff up and went outside. Starr Ann's so thoughtful sometime it just makes me cry. I broke down again when I saw these signs marking my way.



Dang, but Starr Ann loves me. Doesn't she?