Is That Tylenol In Your Pocket, Or Am I Just Glad To See You?

[The only way this post is going to make sense is if you read this one first, and then this one Thanks!]


There it is. A partial copy of the actual referral form to the neurologist. Plain as anything, it says "orgasmic headaches." Although the pluralization's a little misleading. She's only had the one.

I was home alone when Lor--Paladin's call came through after her neurologist appointment.

"Hello?"

"It's Lori."

"I thought we had to call you Paladin now?"

"I decided that doesn't have to strictly start until the New Year."

"Cool."

Then Lori got right to the point, like she's prone to do. "I just got out of the appointment with Dr. No, and he wants me to not have an orgasm until all the tests are done and back in TWO WEEKS."

"No way am I believing that the doctor who's restricting you from sex for two whole weeks is named 'Dr. No.'"

"Well, it's spelled all fancy, but it's pronounced 'no.'"

"So what did you say?"

"I said I didn't think that was a reasonable expectation. To which he said, 'Don't you have any self control?' To which I said 'NO.'"

I said, "Did he think you were screaming his own name at him?"

"Look, Margo, let's not let this whole thing deteriorate into a lame version of Who's On First, okay?"

Dang! Lori really knows me too well.

So, from what I gather, Lori whined and moaned to Dr. No until he threw out a suggestion that maybe, if she took Tylenol about 30 minutes beforehand, maybe it would be okay to go ahead and have an orgasm. But he added that if she got that piercing head pain again, she should go to the ER like the last time.

Anyway, when Starr Ann got home and I brought her up to date, she had herself an idea. Starr Ann suggested we surprise those two lovebirds by paying to have an ambulance on standby while they...you know. She thought the EMTs could just kinda go in the house and have a snack or watch a movie or something while Lori and Dangergirl...you know...in the ambulance.

Starr Ann swears with a portable CD player, some plush material, and a few candles, she can transform this



into this

That girl can make anything romantic!

Only thing is, it turns out ambulance time is real expensive. So, if anybody wants to pitch in, just let us know, okay? Thanks!

Oh, and Starr Ann wanted me to dedicate this to Lori.

Update on - Like Ice Pain, Only Different

[This will only make sense after you go back and read the post before this one]

Starr Ann’s the one who answered the phone when Lori, I mean Paladin, called after her doctor visit. Starr Ann said, “What’s the verdict?” Then she listened a few seconds before saying, “Oh, that’s awful.” Only thing is, Starr Ann kinda looked like she was trying to keep from laughing.

That didn’t seem quite right. Jodie and I moved in a little bit closer to Starr Ann and the phone with Lori, I mean Paladin, on the other end. Then Starr Ann asked, “How long do you have?” Jodie and I just about collapsed. Poor Paladin. Real slow, Starr Ann said, “Until December 31? That’s just awful!”

I hate listening to phone conversations where you can only hear Starr Ann’s side. I had to take that phone away from that girl. Very sweetly, I said, “Hi, Lor-- Paladin. Now what were you telling Starr Ann?”

Not wanting to do to Jodie what Starr Ann had done to both of us, as soon as I got the lowdown from Paladin, I immediately relayed it to Jodie. I cupped my hand around the phone and whispered real loud, “She’s okay. Something called ‘orgasmic headache.’ Then I listened again a little bit and said, “They’re sending her to a neurologist on December 31. She’s not allowed to have an orgasm until after the neurologist.” At that point, I couldn’t really stay on the phone any longer without cracking up, so I shoved the thing to Jodie.

Real serious, Jodie said, “What else did they tell you…Paladin?” Then Lori talked a few seconds and it was easy to see Jodie was about to lose it, because as she repeated the next part, her phone hand was shaking out of sympathy with her belly, which was going up and down with these fast spasms from trying to hold in the laughter. Anyway, she whispered, “When her doctor told her about the December 31^st thing, Paladin’s face must have dropped, because the doc took one look at her and said, ‘New relationship?’ and all poor Paladin could do was nod real sad.”

After that, Jodie was basically used up as far as being able to finish that phone conversation. Starr Ann was the only one left who could talk without bursting into tears or getting a laugh cramp.

First thing after Starr Ann got possession of the phone again, her eyes got all round and big. “No kidding! Well, you know Paladin, just because you have the prescription from Hell, doesn’t mean Dangergirl has to take the same medicine, if you get my drift.” Starr Ann can be so thoughtful. She listened a little bit more and said, “Oh, you are?” Then Starr Ann actually let Jodie and me in on what was said. She whispered, “Paladin’s not calling her Dangergirl anymore. It’s SuperDangergirl.”

When Starr Ann got off the phone, of course we had to put up with how she wanted to get all situated and cozy in the living room with hot cups of holiday tea before telling us the rest.

Seems the odds are overwhelmingly in favor of Lori never having another orgasm headache. The neurologist is prolly going to schedule an MRI to make double, triple, quadruple sure about no bleeding or anything, but it’s highly unlikely.

Starr Ann said Lori plans to stop by Happy Hands Ranch on her way home, just so she can tell us all the details of what the doctor said. And to show us pictures of her CAT scan. The one that proves SuperDangergirl blew her mind.

Poor Paladin. Starr Ann, that evil thing, is already making a special Christmas mix composed of every version of “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” she can find. I think that’s mean.

When Paladin gets here, we have so much to ask her! I want to know exactly what it felt like (the headache). Jodie wants to see the paperwork, just to see if they actually wrote 'orgasmic headache' on her diagnosis. And Starr Ann, being Starr Ann, wants to get permission to question SuperDangergirl about past girlfriends and their headache histories.

Anyway, tomorrow I'll post everything we find out.

Like Ice Pain, Only Different

Okay, so the important thing to remember during this whole episode (and my best friend Starr Ann agrees with me one hundred percent on this) is that it really isn't funny. Well, it's funny, but we have to keep in mind that it's serious too. Kinda.

First a little background information. Our friend and neighbor, Lori "Paladin" Hahn, recently had herself a self-imposed spell of celibacy. Let me tell you, none of us ever wants to go through that again! Anyway, when her sixty days were almost up, she ran a contest on her blog to see who could write the best singles ad for her. And I actually won! I got a T-shirt to prove it.

So, Lori (let's just call her Paladin from here on out) ran the ad and it got her some dates, but meanwhile, forces were acting behind the scenes to bring her a girlfriend the old fashioned, non-Internet way. They simply met through a mutual friend. How analog.

Now, to hear Paladin tell it, this woman (let's call her Dangergirl, because that's what Paladin calls her) is, all in one sitting: hot, beautiful, smart, witty, and owns a hot tub. In short, everything Paladin ever wanted, and more.

Well, nobody's heard a lot from Paladin over there at Hahn at Home for a few days and Starr Ann, Jodie and I figured she was just busy with Dangergirl and having family in town for the holidays.

End of background information.

This morning, Starr Ann, Jodie and I were out for a morning ride, and guess who we passed on the road? Yep! Paladin and Rusty, her faithful steed.

Starr Ann said, "Hey, Lori, did you Hahns have a nice Christmas?"

"Actually, I'm going by Paladin now, Starr Ann. And yes, it was lovely!"

I said, "So, wanna ride with us for a while?"

"Nah. I'm on my way to see the doc, but thanks."

Jodie's the most nurturing one of the three of us, and she said, "Doc? You okay, Lori? Er, you okay, Paladin?"

Right then, Paladin did that one thing she does where she takes in air through her teeth and it makes a sound you just get used to knowing means she's about to say something that requires delicate wording. "Actually, it's a follow-up to my emergency room visit last night."

I'm just gonna cut to the chase here. Last night, Christmas night, Paladin and Dangergirl were celebrating their lesbianism in the most special manner when all of a sudden, this horrible pain knifed its way through Lori's Paladin's head. It was unbearable for a few seconds, then settled down to a plain old bad headache. Maybe I was too tactful there. Let me try again. The pain shot through right at the moment of truth. Know what I mean? Good.

Then, after Dangergirl leaves, Lori sneaks off to the emergency room to get herself checked out. They did a CAT scan, looking for evidence there'd been any brain bleeding, but found none. Dang. That was misleading. They did find a brain (although the lesbian usage "her brains were out" did, reportedly, apply).

Then, after Paladin was all sedated, they wanted her to sign the okay to have a needle stuck in her spine to draw off some fluid and check it for blood. Apparently, the CAT scan is only 91% accurate in these cases.

Paladin ain't nobody's fool, though, and she took a pass on the needle thingy. So when we met up with her, she was on the way to her doctor to discuss what to do next. We all offered to go with her to the doc, because that's what friends do, and also because we wanted to secretly record the part where Lori Paladin told the doctor what was transpiring at the time of this incredible bolt of head pain.

Anyway, we're waiting to hear what the doctor says and intend to report the whole thing as soon as we know something. Paladin said we could write about it. Because her mom reads her blog. Heh.

In Plain English: Hillary Says Vote For Obama

So Hillary diehards decide to vote for McCain, based on his woefully irresponsible choice for VP? How does that translate to anything but a slap in Hillary Clinton's face?

We highly recommend Lori Hahn's post on the topic, titled "WTF? Goose-Stepping Barbie VP Candidate?"

And if you're a Hillary supporter who hasn't deserted her, or if you just plain old see through the Republican ruse, please head on over to Lesbiatopia to check out the winners of The Sarah Palin Caption Contest, and while you're at it, pick up a LOLsarahz wowzio widget (you can't miss it at the bottom of the page).

Dancing Queen

I knew things were gonna get innerestin' last night when the first woman Starr Ann and I saw as we entered the bar was Siqala Du Chenne, president of our town's chapter of the Kentucky Society of Line Dancing Lesbians. Siqala's a looker, and to her credit she's never let the fact that she's the leader of a group of over 3,000 dancing lesbians, that wields tremendous lobbying power within the state government, go to her head. But even with all that going for her, the sight of Siqala still makes Starr Ann want to run in the opposite direction.

See, Starr Ann has this real alluring way about her when she dances. Walking up there, Starr Ann seems about like any other adorable cowgirl with a real cute butt peeping out of chaps that fit just right. Then, say they start playing Patsy Cline singing San Antonio Rose. Well, first Starr Ann gets to swaying all light and dreamy then the music just starts to noodle right through her body and before you know it hardly nobody can take their eyes off her. I know I sure can't.

Anyway, Siqala's life just won't be complete until she gets Starr Ann to join the Kentucky Society of Line Dancing Lesbians. Every time we run into Siqala, Starr Ann spends half the night thinking up new ways to decline without hurting Siqala's feelings.

So last night, Siqala tried a new tack that nearly worked. She just swooped in on us the minute we walked in the door, hooked her arm in Starr Ann's, and swooshed her off into the corner. About three minutes later, here comes Starr Ann over to tell me she'd agreed to learn a set of steps and dance with them. Seems Siqala gave Starr Ann some sob story about how they were real short on Line Dancing Lesbians that night, what with only about four hundred or so showing up. Siqala said the floor was gonna look positively deserted. Starr Ann said Siqala's voice broke real pitiful when she spoke of how it was gonna look like acres and acres of bare wood out there on that dance floor.

I found myself a table with a good view. No way was I gonna miss a second of watching Starr Ann dance according to a set pattern, fitting in with everybody else.

Siqala had Starr Ann over to the side, teaching her the moves they'd be using for the first song and I was getting comfortable, just about finished with my first drink, when somebody comes up right beside me, puts a fresh shot of tequila and a face down unopened envelope in front of me, and says, "Mind if I sit, Margo?"

I looked up to see Lori standing there holding a fancy schmancy glass of something, so I pulled out the chair beside me and said, "Heck, no, Lori. What in the world is that you're drinking?"

Tossing a careless glance at her glass, Lori said, "Russian River Pino, 2005."

"Dang, they're serving that here at the Velvet Tipper? Seems like just a couple months ago they got that extra tap for Coors Light."

"That would have been my second choice," Lori said, and nodded in the direction of Siqala and Starr Ann. "What's up with that?"

I looked over in time to see Starr Ann perfectly imitate one of Siqala's moves, which made Siqala smile big. "Siqala's finally done it. Talked Starr Ann into dancing with the Line Dancing Lesbians."

Lori settled in, took a discerning sip of whatever that was, and said, "Well, all I know is, it's always pure pleasure to watch Starr Ann dance." Then she tapped the envelope and said, "Came looking for you two on purpose tonight, thinking you'd want to read that right away."

I had to laugh when I saw it was a letter from Lane, to Starr Ann and me, but once again mistakenly addressed to Lori's address. "After all that girl's been through, you know, it makes me happy to see she still ends up doing such teenager things, like not being able to get the address right."

Since the dancing didn't seem to be getting ready to start very soon, I went ahead and opened the letter. Lori and I read it together. Here's what it said:

Hi Starr Ann, Hi Margo!

Well, this letter comes to you all the way from Walter Reed. Things have been crazy and I haven’t had a lot of time to write. Well, I’ve been writing, but not to anyone I know personal-like. I spent a whole bunch of time in the library here and found out that I like the Internet something fierce. I found this website on how to find your congressperson and senators and such and I wrote me a few letters about my holding pattern here. Talked about a few of the things I saw over there too. And, I told them about Jamila and how there wasn’t any need to take her so soon.

Well, that got me a call from the post judge advocate. Wanted to know why I didn’t go through the chain-of-command and got kinda’ annoyed with me. Heard from someone that it doesn’t make them look real good when they have to hear about something from the back end like that. I’ve heard story after story about things gone wrong here. Suicides and stuff. Not good.

So, I spent some time talking to a few folks who hadn’t planned on needing to talk to me. Brought up the fact that they’ve kept me here so long. My leg is as good as it’s going to get after four surgeries, so they started processing me for a military disability pension. Won’t never be running any more races, but I’ll still be able to ride my horse, so I guess that’s all that matters, huh? Could be a while before I hear. What they finally decided was that my PTSD can be treated on an out-patient basis and with some medication. Medication., my ass. I’m on medication for this and for that and for another thing. Apparently, I’m a little pissed off at them here and therapy isn’t doing much. They have me lined up to see a VA counselor when I get back.

Wait, I wasn’t going to tell you that yet. Yup, I get 30 days convalescent leave while they process my discharge and pension stuff, then I get sent home. I hear tell that if I get “lucky” and get 30% or more disability, I can go to college free – with a bad limp and a lot of pain, but free.

Wanted to run this by you two. Thought I’d hop a plane to Dallas and check in with the VA there and start that therapy. Maybe stay with Jamila’s family for a bit. I wrote to them too and they want to have me for a while. I figure if I spend some time there, maybe I can hear about Jamila when she was a kid and stuff and keep her alive in me a while longer. Would you guys be hurt if I did that instead of coming straight back?

Let me know. I miss and (gulp) love you guys.

Lane

Right as Lori and I finished reading, the music got louder and the Line Dancing Lesbians were lined up and moving. It was real nice to see them all stepping and swinging and twirling in time. And Starr Ann did real good. Nobody could have told she just learned the steps that very night. Another thing nobody could have told was the magic that usually happens when Starr Ann dances.

Lori tapped my arm and said, "What's wrong with Starr Ann? I usually get goosebumps watching her move."

I said, "I know," and we just kept on watching the dancers a while. Then I leaned over and said, "So, I think there's some real hopeful signs in Lane's letter."

Lori's eyes were still on Starr Ann, so I dropped the subject of Lane's letter and went back to watching the dancing. Then the song ended and Martina McBride's Independence Day started up. Starr Ann was in line, and started moving with everybody else, but that ain't a song about patriotism, and it has nothing to do with staying in line. By the time the first 'Let freedom ring' hit, Starr Ann had broken loose and the music was working its way through her. Before it was over, half the Line Dancing Lesbians were still going through their motions, but even they couldn't take their eyes off of Starr Ann. Told you. Once the music noodles through that girl, she's a sight to see.

After that dance, Starr Ann came over to the table to say hi to Lori. She spotted Lane's letter right away, and said all in a rush, "Lane! What's she got to say? Is she gonna be okay?"

With absolute confidence, Lori said, "That girl tames about as easy as you, Starr Ann. I'm thinking that's what's going to get her through."

I totally believe that.

Click Your Way To Happiness

You know how we imagine technological change to go one certain way and sometimes it does, but sometimes it doesn't? Like how a long time ago, people thought cars would give way to tiny private helicopters. Or like how when you were little you thought they'd soon invent a pill that would make you miniature and whole families would be able to live in a single chest of drawers. Or how we believe any day now Google would have an olfactory option where you can search for, say, "brownies baking" to get a bunch of search results that when you click on them you'll enjoy the chocolatey scent of hot brownies?

I don't know. Maybe it's only Starr Ann and me who think that way. Because none of that's come true yet.

Anyway, something they have come up with, and I'm telling you, Starr Ann and I are as surprised as anybody about this, is a brand new, beta version, clickable orgasm. I know! What the heck!

So, this snappy new technology is being tested all month over at Hahn at Home. Just click the button you'll find at the top of Lori's blog. I've highlighted it here with a triangle, just in case you aren't familiar with its location. Heh.

Feel free to click all month. And not just for your own selfish pleasure. Clicking often will also help Lori finally beat out that Xeno blog that seems to get a load of votes every single solitary time Lori almost takes the lead.

You know how Starr Ann is. She's getting adventurous with her 'votes.' Right now, the evil thing is out with my laptop, clicking in various innerestin' WiFi spots around town. She's also threatening to double click later on and I've kinda dared her to try a right-click. We'll have to see what happens with that.

Me? I'm heading out to Best Buy for an optical mouse. Gonna hook it up to Starr Ann's computer later on and see if I can't rig up a little surprise for her.

Good luck. Happy clicking. And please come here to share any new features you discover with this beta version of ClickJoy by MycroSofter.

Don't Make Starr Ann Spank You

Don't make my best friend Starr Ann (hi, Starr Ann) have to spank you. Hurry over and nominate Lori Hahn's blog, Hahn at Home, for TLL Lesbian Blog of The Year 2007.

You do it like this:

--Go to the TLL nominations page.
--Write a simple comment declaring Lori as your nominee, and then insert her link, which is http://hahnathome.com
--That's it! You're done.




Congratulations! You have successfully avoided a spanking* from Starr Ann.

*For those who would prefer to receive said spanking, simply nominate Lori first, then come back here and leave a comment to that effect.

Letter From Lane

Starr Ann and I are having a wonderful Christmas! Yesterday, when we still hadn't gotten word from Lane since putting her on the plane headed for Basic Training, I know both our hearts dipped a little bit. Starr Ann was hawking around the mailbox all day. Finally, we heard the postmistress' truck and we ran all the way out to the road together, thinking surely there'd be something. But, no.

Then last night, just like our Christmas Angel, Lori rode over late to deliver a piece of mail. Yep. The very first letter from Lane. And in a typical teenager move, Lane had addressed the envelope nearly correctly. Just one number off. We're so lucky that number guided the letter to Lori, who was kind enough to take time away from her own day and bring it to us. Thanks, Lori girl!

Anyway, here are the words that have made our Christmas complete! We just had to share them.

Hi Starr Ann! Hi Margo!

I'm writing to you from the comfort of my cot. You'd think I'd sit on the floor to write, because I'm messing up my bed, which is made so perfect you can bounce a dime on it usually. I got that lesson right away. Not a big fan of push-ups.

Amanda and me were right together and thicker than thieves for the first two nights while we were in the orientation center. Then, they sent her to another battalion. I won't get to even talk to her until week 4, if we're lucky. I think I'm going to die just from that. I've noticed a lot of girls who like to look a little too long in the showers already though. Maybe I'll talk to them one of these days.

It's effin' cold in the morning here. No smoking, no drinking, and the food; well, let's just say it ain't home cooking, but mama wasn't real good at feeding me anyway. I'm so hungry all the time, I eat it all and scrounge for more if'n I am able. I've lost five pounds already.

Don't mind the marchin' much, but we do it all the time. I got the hang of it real quick. On the fourth day, they put me at fourth squad leader in the first platoon, which means I pretty much set the pace for the marchin'. That's kind of cool. I'm bored with those cadence calls, so I'm going to write to our pardner Mind Nomadic and ask her to write a few line poem to make marchin' more fun and see if the drill sergeants will let us.

They think they're tough, those drill sergeants. One of them looked me in the eye and it kind of scared me. She seemed all mean and everything, 'cept when she calls me in the office and asks me about stuff like what I want to get out of the Army. Don't trust her. Nope, not a bit. But, she ain't as mean as she seems, I'm thinkin'.

I hear we're going to get our assignments soon. I wish I had picked a job when I signed up. Hear tell that lots of folks are endin' up in combat arms or combat support. I'd like to be a field surveyor. That sounds fun. Work outside, tramp around, and look at the closest thing to a telescope the Army has that ain't on a gun. I mean rifle - not supposed to call it a gun. Don't know what's going to happen though. All I know right now is at bedtime, I am very happy to go to sleep. Even with those dang scratchy Army blankets.

Missin' you and the horses and other critters. Nobody wants to wrestle here.

Love,

Lane

A Good Posse Always Gets Her Woman

My best friend Starr Ann (hi, Starr Ann) was sitting at the foot of my bed staring at me when I woke up this morning. That's always a sure sign it's going to be an innerestin day.

"Margo, we've come perilously close to acting like grownups lately. Don't try to deny it."

I sat up. "Not denying that. I've noticed it too. What do you have in mind?"

Starr Ann rocked her chair to the least safe chair position - resting on the rear legs only. Dang, she was out for danger and it showed! She hooked her thumbs in her belt loops and got real thoughtful. "Only way to lick a situation like this," she said, with a desperate, devil-may-care look in her eye, "is to assemble The Posse."

"Hot dang! Starr Ann, you just gush good ideas, sometime, you know that?"

As it turned out, the entire Happy Hands Ranch Posse, excepting two, were available.

Becky C, who frankly lives to shop, was out, well, shopping. Starr Ann and I had forgotten about the Friday after Thanksgiving being the biggest shopping day of the year. When we reached Becky, she was in the middle of picking out which pair of short shorts she wanted to wear as she shopped the day away.

The other member who couldn't make it was Mimi. Blog Blast for Peace was so incredibly successful, Mimi is still surfing the Blogosphere, finding Peace Blogs to leave her lovely, encouraging comments on.

Anyway, there we were, all saddled up, horses dancing, kinda circling around and high. It was Starr Ann, Sandwriter, Lori, FRoG, Hill Country Gal, Hapless Tigger, and me. We were feeling pretty good about what the afternoon had in store, when the final member, Cap'n Dyke, came flying up out of nowhere on her horse, Plunder.

Starr Ann nodded to the Cap'n and said, "This is all of us, then. Let's break up on even sides."

Hill spoke up first. "OMFG!!!"

I'll just tell you right away that Hill actually says the letters. She really does.

So, Hill continues, "I hope you lezzies don't get all involved with the minutiae of dividing up again. Last fucking time, it was getting dark when we finally got to the chase." But we know Hill well enough to realize she wasn't really mad. Especially when she laughed real hearty and said, "ROTFLMAO!!! As the only straight posse members, FRoG and I should be on separate sides. And let's try to keep that one thing from happening. Starr Ann, you know who the hell I'm talking to."

Starr Ann couldn't deny it, so she just kept things moving along. "Okay, FRoG and Hill on opposite teams. Now, Lori, between the two of them, who are you riding with?

Lori looked at first Hill, then FRoG. "FRoG certainly has all the qualities-"

Hill broke in with, "Cut the shit, Hahn. You with me, or you with FRoG."

Lori said, "FRoG."

FRoG smiled real sweet, but also eyed up the rest of The Posse. We all knew from experience that FRoG, despite having her head in the clouds much of the time, can be real competitive. Vicious, almost. And she likes to ride with the best of the best. Very ambitious. Plus, she moved to the Southwest recently, which just about made the rest of us cowgirls expire with envy.

Right then, Sandwriter whipped out her poetic license and took over. She said, "Lest we lose more daylight, trying hard to be fair, let me divide us up right, and we'll ride without care." Keen-eyed and savvy, Sandwriter surveyed our group. "Hapless Tigger with FRoG, and Margo, you too. Hill, the Cap'n and I are with you."

Everybody bunched their horses in the clusters Sandwriter had assigned. Except for Hapless Tigger. She was on her cell phone again.

I said, "Hey, Triple Secs, can't you just get your bets down all at once so we don't have to stop every five minutes this time?"

Into her phone, Tigger said, "Hold just a minute, please." She muffled the phone to her chest and looked at me. "Margo, I just this minute decided on my trifecta. What do you want me to do? Simply pass it up?"

You can't argue with Triple Secs when it comes to betting horses, so I just shut my mouth. Finally, she turned her phone off and got her horse in position.

While the two groups faced off, Plunder, a stallion black as deep space with stars in his eyes and quite hard to handle, danced beneath Cap'n Dyke as he registered her anticipation. The Pirate Queen smirked in my direction and steadied her horse, saying, "Ease up, Plunder! Th'chase be afoot soon enough."

The coin was tossed and FRoG's team won. We chose to be the Outlaws. That meant Hill's group would be the Law. As always, the Outlaws were granted a ten minute lead. We spurred our horses and raced off toward the cliffs to the north of Happy Hands Ranch. Once beyond those, we could choose a change of direction without the Law seeing which way we went.

Us Outlaws gave those peacekeepers a run for their money, all right. I was the last Outlaw still on the loose, and it was just about dark before they captured me. Actually, it was getting so cold out, I almost didn't mind when I rounded that boulder and ran Trickster right up on Starr Ann and Cap'n Dyke, the both of them sitting there on Oatmeal and Plunder, looking like two cats about to divide up one little mouse. I put my hands in the air, and the game was over. Personally, I think it was uncalled for that they tied me across my saddle and took me in that way, telling everybody how I tried to make a run for it and they had to kill me. But I went along with what they told me to do, because Posse Day rules say when you get captured, you forfeit all choice in how they take you in.

We sat around the fire until late in the night, tired as all get out and real hungry from being outside most of the day. Lori brought over enough food to fill up three posses and we feasted until the wee hours, listening to blog stories and just enjoying the good company.

When everybody left, Starr Ann said, "No danger of turning into a grownup when you ride with women like that."

Kids Need Hugs

Our new neighbor from California, Lori, came to see us yesterday! She's been in such demand with the local lesbians, we thought it would probably be weeks before she got around to us. So, what a pleasant surprise when she called my cell phone to just say hi, and I asked her over and she said yes. In fact, she said while she was here, we could help her name her ranch!

When I got off the phone, I must have looked delighted yet puzzled, because Starr Ann asked, "What's the matter, Margo?"

"Nothing's the matter. I'm so glad Lori's coming over! But right before saying goodbye, she said something odd. She asked how many computers we have in the house, or at least have access to on a daily basis."

Starr Ann said, "Might be some California etiquette we never heard of."

Jodie said she doubted that.

Lori was dressed real casual, in an expensive, but not show-offy way. We all drifted toward the kitchen as we said hi and everything. Guess the aroma of the pie Jodie was baking drew us in that direction.

I said, "So, we get to help you name your ranch, eh? Wow. What an honor."

Lori said, "Right. The ranch name. How many computers did you say you have here?"

Starr Ann said, "One. Do you need to borrow it? Your kids are welcome to it anytime, for homework or whatever they want."

Lori appraised Starr Ann, seemed to approve of what she saw, and said, "Thank you so much for that offer, Starr Ann. But we have several computers at our place." Then Lori swung herself around to look out the window. After a few seconds, she blurted out, "I didn't get enough hugs when I was a child."

Jodie said, "I'm so sorry."

Starr Ann said, "Maybe you'll make up for it now."

I said, "Gosh, Lori, I'm real sorry to hear that."

Lori whirled around and said, "Thank you Starr Ann, you're mighty sweet. And," Lori then put one finger to her lips, as if trying to think how to word it, "Margo, that golly-gee-willickers routine you lapse into, honey, maybe not so much, okay?"

"Okay."

Jodie changed the subject. "So, Lori, I hear you're looking for a name for your place."

Lori brightened. "Why yes, I am. But first, Jodie, as an academic, I'm guessing you might have multiple computers at your house. I'm thinking a couple of PCs and maybe a laptop."

Jodie nodded at that and said, "Any ideas about the ranch name yet?"

All of a sudden, Lori was more interested in Jodie. "The ranch. Yes. What do you think would make a good name, Jodie?"

Jodie said, "Well, why did you come here in the first place? What does the ranch mean to you? What does it symbolize in your life?"

"I moved here from California because I have a weakness for cowgirls. Came here to ride me some cowgirls. Get me some cowgirl." Then Lori added kinda fast, "And the school system is excellent, I understand."

Starr Ann cracked up and said, "How about Cuntented Acres?"

Lori cocked her head a second. "A bit edgy. Keep thinking. In the meantime, did I mention I didn't get enough hugs when I was a kid?"

Jodie, Starr Ann and I exchanged some nervous looks. Oh, oh. Did Lori Hahn come over here today to ride these cowgirls?

Lori went on. "A good way to get over a hug deficit is to supply yourself with victory after victory after victorious victory. Understand?" And then she did it. She raised one eyebrow, and so our lesbianic DNA kicked into high gear.

I said, "Are you pursuing a victory at this very moment, Lori? Is there some way we can help?"

Lori smiled at me so sweet. Dang, she's gonna get to ride all the cowgirls her heart desires, if she keeps that up! She said, "As a matter of fact, I am rather involved in a little contest over at BlogInterviewer right now. And I need for as many people as possible to go over there and vote for my blog. I need for you and everybody you know to use every single computer you can get your hands on to vote every single day for me. There are only 3 days left in the month and that's when this contest ends. Can you ladies rally some clicks for me? Hm? Hm?"

We all started counting the computers and the friends we could enlist, and Lori seemed to like that a lot.

Over pie and coffee a bit later, Starr Ann brought up the subject of naming Lori's place again. Starr Ann can be so logical sometime, you wouldn't believe. She said, "Lori girl, you came here to ride cowgirls. Not a thing wrong with that. How about calling your place Riding Cowgirls Ranch?"

That got us another great big Lori Hahn smile, and she said, "Perfect name! Now I'm gonna go on home to Riding Cowgirls Ranch so you ladies can saddle up and spread the word about voting for me at BlogInterviewer. Don't forget to click your own votes before you leave, though."

New Lesbian From California

Well, the brand new neighbor from California got here yesterday. Rumor mill cranked out some spot on information this time. She's a lesbian all right.

Jodie heard about it first. She rushed to our house and said we should ride over there right away and make sure the poor woman wasn't overwhelmed by a kinda reverse Beverly Hillbillies dynamic. Have I blogged about Ellie Mae and her rope belt yet? Maybe later. Better get back to telling you about the California lesbian who moved here to Kentucky.

So there we were, Jodie, Starr Ann and me, on a mission of mercy, hurrying to the aid of our new neighbor and hoping she wasn't sitting on her porch crying over the lack of smog, the abundant room to maneuver on our roads, and general slower pace here in the land of fast horses and fine whiskey. We figured the poor thing would be about hysterical by the time we got there.

We quick got together a few tomato and mayonnaise sandwiches, thinking that since she had kids and all, and probably didn't have any dishes unpacked yet, they were probably getting pretty hungry.

Anyway, about half a mile from the New Lesbian From California's (NLFC) place, we met up with a few girls from the softball team! Seems they had gone over to NLFC's place for a little meet and greet of their own. That was nice.

They all had these real far-off looks on their faces. I said to one of them, "Hey, Carly, what's the New Lesbian From California like?"

Carly's shoulders squeezed up close to her ears, and she said, real enthusiastic, "I don't think words could really tell you what she's like. Go on over and see for yourself." Carly, I have noticed before, is given to hyperbole and is quite impressionable.

Starr Ann said, "Whatcha got there in that covered dish, Mona? Did you take food over to the NLFC and she didn't want it, or something?"

Mona flushed a little pink. And Mona don't do that. She's the shortstop, for Goddess sake! Mona said, "No, this is something Lori, we get to call her Lori, whipped up to give out in case anybody dropped by. It's a chicken dish. Smells heavenly."

As they all floated off toward the softball field, the three of us looked from one to the other and applied the lesbian eyebrow raise liberally.

About another quarter mile closer, we encountered a few of the Saloon Ladies. They were carrying covered dishes, too. Angelique waved excitedly as they rushed toward us. She said, "No poker game up over the saloon this Sunday, ladies. Lori's having a big Texas Hold'em party at her place. Promises to be some night, I'll tell you that." The other Saloon Ladies nodded, and then they said they needed to get on back to the saloon before that fancy soufflé Lori had given them got cold.

Dang! We just hid the tomato sandwiches by a rock and figured we'd pick them back up on the way home.

Approaching from the hill to the north of her place, we could see there was a crowd gathered around the NLFC's paddock. Going up close, we saw why. The NLFC was putting on a little barrel racing clinic for a few of the lesbians who'd ridden over from the next county. One of the Next County Lesbians had a camera and gave us this shot of the NLFC riding her horse, Rusty.



Damn!

Once we finally got to meet the NLFC a little later, while she cleaned her tack, we found out she's awful nice, in a way-too-capable and threatening kind of way. It's hard to explain. Anyway, she's letting us call her Lori!

We never did pick up those tomato sandwiches. Some raccoon will have a nice dinner of them tonight. We were too full from the four course lunch Lori served after she finished showing us how to fashion a makeshift halter out of barn twine.

During lunch, which was all vegetarian and very tasty, Starr Ann said, real proud, "Margo has a blog. Writes in it every day."

Lori said that was very admirable. Then she added, "Writing my blog, Hahn at Home, has been such a freeing experience."

I about choked on an artichoke. "YOU'RE Lori Hahn? Of Hahn at Home?"

Lori smiled knowingly, yet indulgently.

Damn!