Friday, December 26, 2008

Like Ice Pain, Only Different

Okay, so the important thing to remember during this whole episode (and my best friend Starr Ann agrees with me one hundred percent on this) is that it really isn't funny. Well, it's funny, but we have to keep in mind that it's serious too. Kinda.

First a little background information. Our friend and neighbor, Lori "Paladin" Hahn, recently had herself a self-imposed spell of celibacy. Let me tell you, none of us ever wants to go through that again! Anyway, when her sixty days were almost up, she ran a contest on her blog to see who could write the best singles ad for her. And I actually won! I got a T-shirt to prove it.

So, Lori (let's just call her Paladin from here on out) ran the ad and it got her some dates, but meanwhile, forces were acting behind the scenes to bring her a girlfriend the old fashioned, non-Internet way. They simply met through a mutual friend. How analog.

Now, to hear Paladin tell it, this woman (let's call her Dangergirl, because that's what Paladin calls her) is, all in one sitting: hot, beautiful, smart, witty, and owns a hot tub. In short, everything Paladin ever wanted, and more.

Well, nobody's heard a lot from Paladin over there at Hahn at Home for a few days and Starr Ann, Jodie and I figured she was just busy with Dangergirl and having family in town for the holidays.

End of background information.

This morning, Starr Ann, Jodie and I were out for a morning ride, and guess who we passed on the road? Yep! Paladin and Rusty, her faithful steed.

Starr Ann said, "Hey, Lori, did you Hahns have a nice Christmas?"

"Actually, I'm going by Paladin now, Starr Ann. And yes, it was lovely!"

I said, "So, wanna ride with us for a while?"

"Nah. I'm on my way to see the doc, but thanks."

Jodie's the most nurturing one of the three of us, and she said, "Doc? You okay, Lori? Er, you okay, Paladin?"

Right then, Paladin did that one thing she does where she takes in air through her teeth and it makes a sound you just get used to knowing means she's about to say something that requires delicate wording. "Actually, it's a follow-up to my emergency room visit last night."

I'm just gonna cut to the chase here. Last night, Christmas night, Paladin and Dangergirl were celebrating their lesbianism in the most special manner when all of a sudden, this horrible pain knifed its way through Lori's Paladin's head. It was unbearable for a few seconds, then settled down to a plain old bad headache. Maybe I was too tactful there. Let me try again. The pain shot through right at the moment of truth. Know what I mean? Good.

Then, after Dangergirl leaves, Lori sneaks off to the emergency room to get herself checked out. They did a CAT scan, looking for evidence there'd been any brain bleeding, but found none. Dang. That was misleading. They did find a brain (although the lesbian usage "her brains were out" did, reportedly, apply).

Then, after Paladin was all sedated, they wanted her to sign the okay to have a needle stuck in her spine to draw off some fluid and check it for blood. Apparently, the CAT scan is only 91% accurate in these cases.

Paladin ain't nobody's fool, though, and she took a pass on the needle thingy. So when we met up with her, she was on the way to her doctor to discuss what to do next. We all offered to go with her to the doc, because that's what friends do, and also because we wanted to secretly record the part where Lori Paladin told the doctor what was transpiring at the time of this incredible bolt of head pain.

Anyway, we're waiting to hear what the doctor says and intend to report the whole thing as soon as we know something. Paladin said we could write about it. Because her mom reads her blog. Heh.