Wednesday, June 18, 2008

They Walk Amongst Us

Nobody ever accused my best friend Starr Ann (hi, Starr Ann) of timidity. And I don't guess anybody ever will.

There's a Baptist convention in town! Yep, Starr Ann was talking to our neighbor earlier, our neighbor Andrew who waits on tables at TGI Friday's.

Andrew said, "Girlfriend, they're four-percentin' us to death! Just to death."

Starr Ann tried to cheer him up. "Well, they have to save up, Andrew. Can you imagine the gas money it's gonna take to get all those buses back to South Carolina? They might have to end up skimping on beer."

Then Andrew started reciting, in that real snippy tone of voice he can get, a bunch of phrases he caught as the Baptist people were picking their teeth after eating supper last night. Things like 'blasphemous same-sex marriage farce,' 'God hates fags and fag-enablers,' and 'Satanic sodomitical outrage masquerading as holy matrimony.'

Well, that was when Starr Ann stopped trying to put anybody, including herself, in a better mood. Right this minute, we're dressing up like Republicans. Us 'morans' are going downtown to mingle with the Baptist mental giants. Confuses the heck out of them when you look all Wal-Mart dressed, just like them, yet you say things like, "Hi, I'm a vegetarian who loves women, Praise the Lord! And you? I'm guessing carnivorous fornicator?"

Later, Starr Ann's gonna poll folks coming out of the convention center on whether they'd support a ban on opposite-sex marriage. She's willing to bet a month of doing the dishes that over 50% say yes. So far, nobody's taking her bet, especially not me, because I still recall what Starr Ann did to all those Christians from the "Be Not Deceived, God Is Not Mocked" festival two years ago.