There's Always Room For Gel-oh!

Lori Hahn introduced me to sex toys. Dang, that came out wrong. And I still haven't taken the time to learn how to work the eraser on this thing, or I'd change that sentence to something more accurate, like "I finally listened to Lori Hahn's recommendations concerning the joys of sex toys."

Anyway, Lori has been kinda singing the praises of her Hitachi Magic Wand for just about forever. And then she did this sex toy review over at The Lesbian Lifestyle a couple of weeks ago, and all that got Starr Ann and me thinking.

So we were out in the barn cleaning tack, and we got to talking. I said, "I wonder why we've never gotten into appliances, Starr Ann."

Starr Ann dipped her sponge in our bucket of warm water, wrung it out, and foamed it up with tack soap before saying, "Can't really say for sure, but my guess would be that we're a tiny bit more focused on natural, organic sensuality than your average modern day woman."

I rubbed some more suds into the leather bridle I was cleaning and thought about that some. Then I said, "But you know, Lori's real focused on the sensual. And she's so popular. And coming from California and all, she's kinda cutting edge, right?"

Starr Ann hung her clean halter on a hook and got out the saddle oil. "Keep talkin', Margo, I'm listenin'."

"Well, here's Lori with all this experience - did I tell you she sent me a list of the new batch of women she's dating?"

"No, you sure didn't."

"Yep. So far I have the list alphabetized, but I'm working on a little algorithm for managing it better."

Starr Ann said she thought that was real nice of me.

"So, here's Lori with all this experience and all these women, and she still has good things to say about silicon. I bet you we're the last two uninhibited lesbians in the world to try it out. We need to get with the program, Starr Ann. I wonder why we haven't realized this before."

Starr Ann said, "Well, it's prolly like the way I've stocked all my disaster shelters with dried food. We know it's there in case we need it, but in the meantime, we don't actually eat dehydrated food, we eat regular fruits and vegetables. See?"

Then, upon further reflection and discussion, Starr Ann and I reminded ourselves that each of Starr Ann's underground bunkers is also equipped with an emergency sex kit, fully stocked with the very best silicon gel materials and shapes, as well as several solar-powered devices and plenty of duct tape.

Starr Ann slapped one of those clean saddles on Oatmeal and rode off right away to get us a couple of those kits. And, as was only right, when she got home with them, she handed me one and rode off again, riding real fast toward Jodie's place.

I was sitting on the porch taking inventory of my kit, realizing these things are totally singles friendly, when the clouds parted, the Sun came out real strong, and the melodious sound of prancing hoofbeats made me look up. Yep. It was miracle time, and my miracle was the appearance of none other than Celia Susan.

I guess it was because she came riding up right as I was twirling this ice-blue double dong in the sunlight that Celia Susan smiled so big as she said, "You have a license to operate that thing, Margo?"

For a split second, I almost quit my own smiling, but I realized just in time that she was totally kidding. Heh. I even mustered enough cool to say, "No, but before I get certified, I need somebody to give me a check ride."

What a fun two days that was! Late the second evening, Celia Susan and I were all kicked back, starting to think about food and stuff, when I brought up how amazing it was that neither Starr Ann nor I had ever gone beyond the strictly organic before.

Celia Susan's real smart sometime. She said, "Well, Margo, why do you think Sci Fi writers always make their extraterrestrial life forms silicon-based? It's because silicon is right there in the same family with carbon when you look at the Periodic Table of Elements. So, there ya go."

That made total sense to me.

Feelings, FEMA, and Frogs

So, I was cutting our grass yesterday, right? I know. I know. Lawn is bad for the environment. Believe me, we're planting trees like crazy at the Happy Hands Ranch, looking forward to the day when the area around our house is lawn-free. But for now, we still have to mow, and because the horses tend to founder on sugary weeds in late summer, we keep the pastures cut so they're grassy instead of weedy. At least we never use herbicides or pesticides. Ever.

Anyway, I was riding along and I saw movement near this muddy spot out by the tall cottonwood. Yep. It was that frog up there. I took that picture of him and on the way inside to show it to Starr Ann, I named him Rickles.

As I reached Starr Ann, I teared up and blurted out, "Look at this baby I almost ran over with the tractor. I almost killed this adorable thing."

Starr Ann looked at me real hard before glancing at the photo. "Yeah, he's something, all right. Looks a little like Bates, doesn't he?"

It was true. That dark, judgmental expression looked a whole lot like our weird little puppy does right before he bites somebody. My heart just melted. I really did start crying then.

Starr Ann's words got real swirly, as if she were talking to a little kid. "Hey, Margo, you know how I always let you and Jodie send me off to one of my bunkers when I'm PMSing?"

Starr Ann could really get off subject. "Yes."

"Well, how would you like to spend a few days in one of the shelters?"

"No, thanks."

"Now, Margo, don't be hasty. It'd be good practice for when the Feds start rounding people up in the FEMA camps."

I laughed. "Who needs practice? We go underground. We eat freeze-dried food. We sneak out at night to care for the horses. We get real pale." Seemed pretty straightforward to me. "Don't see a need to practice."

"What about if I call Celia Susan and you two hole up in a bunker together for a few days? That sound fun?"

"Starr Ann, what makes you think I'd want to go off to one of your bunkers and play FEMA camp emergency sex slave with Celia Susan?"

"Give it up, Margo. Your room isn't that far from mine. Does the phrase 'Put this somewhere, the guards are coming' mean anything to you?"

I guess I started crying again. "Awwwww, now I'm missing Celia real bad."

Starr Ann put her arm around me as she walked me to my room. "I know you do. Now just pack up enough clothes for three days, okay? I'll be back in a few minutes."

"But what about the grass? And you know how directionally challenged I get during PMS. Prolly couldn't even find a bunker."

Starr Ann said she'd take care of all that, so I packed some stuff up and went outside. Starr Ann's so thoughtful sometime it just makes me cry. I broke down again when I saw these signs marking my way.



Dang, but Starr Ann loves me. Doesn't she?

Stimulation for Starr Ann

Celia Susan always drops in unexpected. Well, at least I never expect her. Starr Ann usually knows she's on the way, but doesn't bother to clue me in. Anyway, Celia Susan galloping up on Sugar's a vision that never fails to make me smile. Two reasons for that smile. One, you can bet Starr Ann and Celia Susan are up to something subversive. And two, I can depend on company, the good kind, in my room that night. And most of the next day, etc, etc.

Except for the last time Celia Susan visited, late this February. That time, she and Starr Ann were so involved in whatever they were cooking up, they didn't get home from the bunkers until way after daybreak the next morning. And then Celia Susan had to leave right away. That should have gotten my curiosity up, but I just don't tend toward suspicion. Nobody with a lot of doubt DNA could really be Starr Ann's best friend. It just wouldn't work out.

Anyway, yesterday, here comes Sugar trotting up to the barn carrying Celia Susan looking all flushed and everything from the ride. Just the sight of her made me feel extra friendly.

"Here, Celia, let me get Sugar comfortable while you go up to the house. Starr Ann baked a batch of those cookies you like so much." Right then I made a mental note to ask if Celia Susan's on the way next time Starr Ann makes those cookies.

After I got Sugar all settled in with hay and water, I trotted on up to the house. Goddess, I was glad to see Celia, so when I say I trotted, I mean I just about ran.

Well, to make a long story short, Starr Ann and Celia Susan had a little news for me. Seems the February trip had been to lay the groundwork for their most ambitious joint undertaking ever. They said they'd been meaning to tell me, but knew I wasn't exactly going to like what I heard. But now, something had happened that was forcing their hand, and I had to be told before tomorrow.

Yep. You guessed it. Here's how the whole conversation went.

Starr Ann put two cookies and a glass of milk in front of me. "Did you hear the news, Margo? About how the Washington Brain Trust has decided to start sending out its Stimulus Package payments early?"

Celia Susan was looking at me that one way. Or at least I thought it was that one way, so I was kinda off my guard. "Good cookies. No, I hadn't heard that. But neither of you even exists as far as the IRS is concerned, so why should you care about that?"

Starr Ann and Celia exchanged a glance. Celia Susan said, "Well, we exist this year."

Starr Ann added, "In fact, we extra-exist."

"Extra-exist? What'n the world is that?"

"Here, have another." Dang, but Starr Ann was really pushing those cookies.

Celia Susan stood up and started pacing around the room. "Well, Margo, and I want you to keep an open mind about this, Honey, but you see, Starr Ann and I made use of a few-"

Starr Ann cut her off with, "Several."

Celia went on, "Okay, we made use of several social security numbers that weren't going to be busy this year. So guess what?"

Dang. Sweets usually hype me up, but I was getting positively sluggish eating those cookies. "What?"

Starr Ann started rubbing my shoulders, saying, "We'll be getting overstimulated by the stimulus package. Starting tomorrow."

The rest of the night is kinda blurry, even the excellent parts Celia Susan told me about this morning. Sounds like Celia and I crossed over into some new territory. Heh. Really do regret not remembering all that.

Anyway, it's too late to talk them out of it, so I'm just going to help Starr Ann and Celia figure out what to do with all those direct deposits that'll be rolling in from the IRS starting tomorrow. We're sending a bunch of the funds to anti-war groups, some to our favorite local sustainability initiative, and the rest will go into a dummy account Starr Ann set up years ago. We'll eventually funnel that out to nearby people who get hardest hit once this recession starts to bubble full force.

Wish us luck! And even if you're just getting the normal amount of stimulation from the Bushies (blech!), remember to hold onto it until after the Democrats get in office.

Holiday Cheer

Lane got up at four in the morning and already had the horses fed and the barn cleaned by the time Starr Ann and I were awake. Naturally, we figured something was up. It was. Lane had another announcement for us.

After breakfast, she started clearing the table, and said, real smooth, "I'm going to spend the night over at Amanda's."

Starr Ann said, "Your buddy Amanda, who rides the paint mare?"

"No, a different Amanda."

I said, "Not the one you said you'd like to kick her butt because of the stupid guys she dates?"

"Hell no! I met this one at the recruiter's the other day. We're going to try to leave for Basic the same day."

Starr Ann held onto her plate so Lane couldn't scoop it up. "Hang on, will you? I'm not finished." Starr Ann jellied another piece of toast. "How many Amandas do you know, anyway?"

Lane shrugged. "A few. Roughly one in three girls born around the time I was are named Amanda."

Starr Ann said she believed that, then asked, "So, spending the night, eh? Thought you didn't like sleeping in houses with parental types around."

Lane's eyes got a real tantalized look in them. "Who said anything about parents? Amanda's twenty. Has her own place."

Starr Ann stopped eating and looked over at me so we could exchange an exaggerated look of clear understanding. Lane took her cue. She wiggled her eyebrows and shook her butt. Nuff said. Lane has herself a girlfriend.

After Lane left for Amanda's, Starr Ann said, "Remember when we were seventeen, Margo? You were crawlin' around after Janie Thomas and I was totally gone over Desiree."

"Actually, you were crawlin' around after Desiree, and I was totally gone over Janie Thomas."

"Heh."

I said, "Goddess, remember how Sister Mary Toadius was always trying to sniff out whether anybody was having any fun? How about that time she caught you and Christine Adams in the laundry room?"

"Yeah, and Sister Mary Blissie Marie came to our rescue by making up that story about how she had told us to get down on our knees and scrub the floor."

I could see the idea cut its way through Starr Ann's mind. She put down the dish towel and said, "Think I'll mosey over to Jodie's."

So there I was, sitting on the porch, watching the rain and wishing for someone to share some carnal celebration of my own with, when I saw a horse approaching from the South. As it drew closer, I could make out Sugar's white blaze against her deep chestnut coat. Dang. Seems I had conjured Celia Susan out of thin air.

Celia Susan brought Sugar right up to the porch rail, and without dismounting, she asked, "Got an extra place at the table for Thanksgiving dinner?"

"Always, Celia." I think I actually had tears in my eyes.

Astonished, she said, "Why, Margo, that's the first time you've ever called me Celia instead of Celia Susan, you know that?"

Celia Susan had peeled back the hood of her rain jacket and her hair was real messed up, like in the morning sometime. I just nodded, and I guess my mood all of a sudden got through to her. She said, kinda snappy, "I'm gonna get Sugar put up snug. Why don't you fix me a hot bath, and after, you and I'll see what all we can give each other to feel thankful about tomorrow?"

When I went back outside to meet Celia Susan on her way in from the barn, the rain had stopped and the air was full of rainbows. Nature sure was putting on a beautiful show out there, but Celia and I went inside anyway.

It Was No Dream

I must have been sleeping hard, because I never even heard Starr Ann come into my room. First I knew about her being with me was when the bed rocked.

She scooted up real close behind me and I was sure she was getting all cuddly and confidential so I'd tell her about her birthday present. Then in one smooth shift and graceful move she had us in a place we'd never been to with each other.

All those times we'd tried to get together like this, we'd done it wrong. Kissing and trying to force a mood always made us laugh or get embarrassed. Yes, we should have known to do just like this.

It was slow. It was exquisite. And it was Starr Ann.

Right before the world went perfect, the thought that this might be the only time in our whole lives we ever did this made me turn in the dark to face her.

So smooth, so easy, we got situated again. She said, "Nice to be back, Margo."

Oh. Yes, of course. I said, "Didn't expect you until tomorrow, Celia Susan."

"Well, I was kinda anxious. Starr Ann let me in. Her idea for me to surprise you."

It was slow. It was exquisite. It wasn't Starr Ann.

Celia Susan, A Brief Introduction

Have you ever been real distracted while making fake lemonade and accidentally doubled the flavoring? And since it's clear, you can't tell it's way strong until you take a drink. It hits your mouth and you brace up, kinda shocked by the intensity. Then for some reason, before adding water, you take one more drink of the hard stuff?

Celia Susan is the hard stuff.

Last night on the way home, Starr Ann and I were trying to give our hot new neighbor woman, Jodie Diamond, an idea of what it's going to be like when Celia Susan comes next month to spend a week with us.

I was saying how Celia Susan is just about rabid in her political beliefs. She's not only the most liberal Liberal alive, she cannot keep quiet about anything she's passionate about.

Starr Ann said, "Yeah, like the time Celia bought up all those black W stickers and went around sticking them beside all the black W stickers she could find on conservatives' bumpers, then stuck a 3 right next to them, so all these Republicans were driving around with WW3 on their cars." Starr Ann drifted off at the end, impressed all over again with Celia Susan's nerve and inventiveness.

Then I recalled one of my favorite 'Celia Susans.' I said, "Remember when that lady with all the jewelry and unnatural hair color walked right up to us and Celia Susan at that wedding reception and asked us if we were queer?"

Starr Ann cracked up, and then finished the story for Jodie. "Celia just looked at this lady and said, sweet as anything, 'Yes, ma'am. I'm a lesbian and a vegetarian.' Then Celia took the lady's hand and asked, all interested, 'And ma'am, what are you, if I might be so bold? I'm guessing a fornicating carnivore.'"

I could tell Jodie was starting to like Celia Susan.

We rode on, and after a while, Jodie asked, "Does Celia Susan experience everything with such intensity? I mean, if so, she must suffer terribly when her heart gets broken."

Starr Ann and I exchanged an ironical-type look before Starr Ann said delicately, "She's kinda footloose. I don't think Celia ever actually had a broken heart that outlasted the duct tape residue on her wrists and ankles."

It was true. I nodded agreement.

After another quiet spell of just riding along letting the horses set the pace, Starr Ann said, "And cunt."

I said, "Oh, yeah, cunt."

Jodie asked, "Cunt what?"

So I explained that one of Celia Susan's pet peeves (she has several) is when somebody says cunt like it's a bad or ugly word. Celia Susan hates that.

Anyway, by the time we got home, I think Jodie was looking forward, quite eagerly, to next month when Celia Susan gets here. I know Starr Ann's excited about it.

As for myself, this year I am determined to not sleep with Celia Susan. At least, not every single night. But if it does turn out to be every single night, I'm going to really sleep for at least one or two hours. But if I don't end up sleeping, I'm at least going to make Celia Susan help me with my chores during the day.

Dang! I kinda dread Celia Susan getting here. But I kinda can't wait. Think I'll go make a batch of lemonade. The hard stuff.

Moonrise

Starr Ann was out upgrading her disaster shelters last night, delivering the new Hitachi Magic Wands that finally arrived yesterday. So that left Jodie and me to fend for ourselves all evening.

You know how you can just tell when someone has an agenda going? Well, by the way she was acting, I knew Jodie was on the lookout for the right moment to steer the conversation someplace she wanted it to end up.

After we finished the dishes, we were just hanging out - having a whistling contest (no need to mention who won), trying on Starr Ann's chaps, having a howling contest (I won!), ransacking the house for Starr Ann's old packs of Pop Rocks (I saw her buy over a hundred packages of them when she found out they were being discontinued due to that urban legend about Mikey from the cereal commercial, and she's only broken out about five packs over the years, so there are a bunch of them somewhere. And just so you know, none of us thinks the ones you can get online are real).



Anyway, we decided to walk down to the barn and spy on the raccoons as they came in to steal cat food. We rounded the corner of the house and were nearly knocked backward by the sight of that big full moon sitting low on the horizon.

Jodie was especially hard hit by it. She stood stock still, just gazing for a moment. In that creamy orangey light, I saw tears come to her eyes. She said, "Margo, so many things are endangered." She took my hand and I could tell it was more for support than friendship. She kept her eyes on that moon, and spoke again. "Do you know that back in the city, people barely notice the moon? The sky is so awash in artificial lighting, we're killing our connection with the very sky." Jodie laughed at herself, real lightly. "Guess I've been affected by all the astronomy material I've been reading for Starr Ann."

Then this strong, confident, assertive woman broke down and cried. Cried hard. Seeing a woman cry over something personal like lost love, hurt feelings, or just plain hormonal incongruity is bad enough. But standing by while Jodie Diamond cried her heart out over the absolutely impersonal, over what we're losing as we strangle the life out of this planet, took my breath away and almost had me in tears too.

She stopped as abruptly as she'd started, though, and chuckled as she wiped off her face. No need for either of us to say anything. We squeezed hands and continued our way on down to the barn.

Baby was there! Baby is an old mama raccoon that's been coming around for three years now. Tame as can be, but we don't encourage that. She simply decided a couple of winters ago there was no need to disturb her cat food dinner just because Starr Ann or I happened to come in. Jodie was delighted with the way Baby used her hands to splash in the water bowl, cleaning her face after eating.

As Baby finished up and waddled toward her exit under the hay rack, she stopped and made absolutely deliberate eye contact with Jodie. They stayed like that for several seconds, and when Baby's butt finally scooted under the alfalfa bales, I turned to see the most wonderful smile spread across Jodie's face.

I tilted my head in question, and Jodie said, "It's going to be okay. We might not be here to see it, but it's going to be okay."

On the way up to the house, I asked Jodie about what she'd had on her mind earlier, the thing I thought she was guiding our conversation toward.

She said, "I was going to ask you about Celia Susan, but let's not dilute Baby's moment."

I totally understood.

Celia Susan Preparedness

Jodie Diamond, Starr Ann and I were finishing supper last night when the phone rang.

I answered, "Happy Hands Ranch."

There was no hello, no nothing. Just, "Those bastards in Washington are bound and determined to bomb Iran before they leave office, and our lazy, chicken-ass Democrats aren't going to do a single solitary god damned thing to stop it."

I extended the phone. "It's for you, Starr Ann."

Jodie cocked her head and I motioned her to the other room. I said, "That's our friend Celia Susan. This'll be her call to announce exactly when we can expect her to arrive for Starr Ann's birthday next month."

"Well, hell, Margo. When were you planning on telling me her birthday was coming up?"

I've never mastered the sardonic laugh, but I gave it a try. "Let's see. Oh, yes, I recall being about to bring it up just moments before you bonobo'd me in the barn the other day." I fluttered my eyes at the end, because I've noticed Jodie's particularly susceptible to when I do that.

It worked again. She cracked up and gave me a nice hug, saying, "Sorry about the third degree. Now, let's take advantage of Miss Starr Ann being on the telephone and discuss her birthday, shall we? Starting off with what you're getting her."

I shook my head. "Shouldn't tell you that, Jodie. Believe me, it's for your own safety. Starr Ann is relentless about sniffing out presents. All I'm going to tell you is that mine doesn't have a physical presence. It's more an activity than an object."

Jodie had turned me loose and was pacing and muttering. "My first big gift to her. Hmmm. Has to be special. Shit! No. Wait. No. Fuck. No, shit. Wait. No, god dammit."

I felt I should help her break this loop. "Jodie. I have a suggestion!"

"You have?"

I led her over to the bookcase. "See all those astronomy books? Those are Starr Ann's."

Jodie's expression turned real soft. She truly adores my Starr Ann. "Yes, when we walk outside at night, she always has something engaging to say about the heavens."

I nodded and said, "That's because she loves reading all this stuff." I motioned to the books again. "But, guess what?"

"What?"

"She never has gotten herself a telescope. I'm not sure why that is. Anyway, I've sort of been waiting on getting her one for an extra special occasion. Now I realize it should be you who gives it to her."

Jodie locked her fingers together the way she does when she's concentrating. "Catalogs. I'll need catalogs. No, what am I saying? The Net. I can order it on the Net. God fuck it, I know zilch about telescopes! Well, that's going to change very quickly."

Starr Ann came in from the kitchen full of purpose. "Jodie, do you mind if I cancel the rest of tonight? Celia Susan's coming to town and there are a million things I need to tighten up before she does."

I was about to fill Jodie in on the fact that Celia Susan is Starr Ann's match when it comes to survivalist leanings. It was Celia Susan who gave Starr Ann the idea to build her underground shelters in the first place. Of course, Starr Ann's bunkers have far surpassed Celia Susan's in sophistication and accommodation. But I didn't get a chance to say any of that.

Jodie wasn't any more interested in their former plans for the night than Starr Ann was. Jodie just absently kissed Starr Ann on her way out the door. I'm sure that before tonight's moon sets Jodie Diamond will be the second most knowledgeable telescope expert in the county.

As for Starr Ann, she's off checking the water purification systems, the food supplies, and the vibrator functionality in all her bunkers.

And when Celia Susan gets here next month? All we're going to hear is how even if this ignorant Bush administration doesn't trigger a nuclear disaster, we still need those shelters to avoid constant surveillance by our very own government.