Sunday, September 30, 2007

Celia Susan, A Brief Introduction

Have you ever been real distracted while making fake lemonade and accidentally doubled the flavoring? And since it's clear, you can't tell it's way strong until you take a drink. It hits your mouth and you brace up, kinda shocked by the intensity. Then for some reason, before adding water, you take one more drink of the hard stuff?

Celia Susan is the hard stuff.

Last night on the way home, Starr Ann and I were trying to give our hot new neighbor woman, Jodie Diamond, an idea of what it's going to be like when Celia Susan comes next month to spend a week with us.

I was saying how Celia Susan is just about rabid in her political beliefs. She's not only the most liberal Liberal alive, she cannot keep quiet about anything she's passionate about.

Starr Ann said, "Yeah, like the time Celia bought up all those black W stickers and went around sticking them beside all the black W stickers she could find on conservatives' bumpers, then stuck a 3 right next to them, so all these Republicans were driving around with WW3 on their cars." Starr Ann drifted off at the end, impressed all over again with Celia Susan's nerve and inventiveness.

Then I recalled one of my favorite 'Celia Susans.' I said, "Remember when that lady with all the jewelry and unnatural hair color walked right up to us and Celia Susan at that wedding reception and asked us if we were queer?"

Starr Ann cracked up, and then finished the story for Jodie. "Celia just looked at this lady and said, sweet as anything, 'Yes, ma'am. I'm a lesbian and a vegetarian.' Then Celia took the lady's hand and asked, all interested, 'And ma'am, what are you, if I might be so bold? I'm guessing a fornicating carnivore.'"

I could tell Jodie was starting to like Celia Susan.

We rode on, and after a while, Jodie asked, "Does Celia Susan experience everything with such intensity? I mean, if so, she must suffer terribly when her heart gets broken."

Starr Ann and I exchanged an ironical-type look before Starr Ann said delicately, "She's kinda footloose. I don't think Celia ever actually had a broken heart that outlasted the duct tape residue on her wrists and ankles."

It was true. I nodded agreement.

After another quiet spell of just riding along letting the horses set the pace, Starr Ann said, "And cunt."

I said, "Oh, yeah, cunt."

Jodie asked, "Cunt what?"

So I explained that one of Celia Susan's pet peeves (she has several) is when somebody says cunt like it's a bad or ugly word. Celia Susan hates that.

Anyway, by the time we got home, I think Jodie was looking forward, quite eagerly, to next month when Celia Susan gets here. I know Starr Ann's excited about it.

As for myself, this year I am determined to not sleep with Celia Susan. At least, not every single night. But if it does turn out to be every single night, I'm going to really sleep for at least one or two hours. But if I don't end up sleeping, I'm at least going to make Celia Susan help me with my chores during the day.

Dang! I kinda dread Celia Susan getting here. But I kinda can't wait. Think I'll go make a batch of lemonade. The hard stuff.