Sunday, September 16, 2007

Big Gun

Naturally, Starr Ann and I thank our lucky stars every day that we're gay. Who wouldn't?

But having said that, we are aware of the fact that there's only one form of emotional turbulence more extreme than cowgirl drama, and that's dyke drama. Mix the two together and you get a species of volatility unstable enough to send a bomb squad running in tears.

So, Starr Ann and I were out on the porch enjoying Cheetos and grape Kool-Aid, when this really high-octane woman rides up on a temperamental horse. She swung down and walked toward us, not smiling or anything. We were polite, though. We stood up and I put out a hand to shake, but saw right away that I had a bad case of chedda-digititis and re-routed my hand to a friendly wave instead.

That lady didn't even crack a smile. She just looked Starr Ann and me up and down and asked if we had any idea where Jodie Diamond's place was. Starr Ann introduced herself, said sure we did, and asked the woman's name. It was Bolinda French.

Bolinda French took an even longer, more disgusted survey of Starr Ann and said, "So you're the two yahoos my Jodie has gotten mixed up with." Then she shook her head, got back on her horse, and aimed him for Jodie's place.

I said, "Hey, I thought you wanted directions."

She jerked to a halt. "I've never needed any help getting to Jodie. Just wanted to take stock of you two before I go straighten her out."

Starr Ann and I hurried inside and were standing together at the kitchen sink washing our hands.

"Where does she get off, Starr Ann, calling us a couple of yahoos?" I held my fingertips up to the sunlight coming in the window to make sure all the orange was off.

Starr Ann said, "I don't know who she thinks she is, but we're going to find out. Real quick." She dried her lips and pushed them out for me to inspect. "Any grape stain left?"

"A little, but you better stop scrubbing, 'cause they're turning red."

Jodie's windows were all open to the day and we could hear that woman's screechy voice laying down the law to Jodie before we even got past the big elm tree at the edge of the yard. Mingled in with Bolinda's cursing we could occasionally hear Jodie's voice, all calm and sensible.

We knocked on the door.

Jodie looked real happy to see us both and gave Starr Ann a hug and a kiss. Well, that launched Bolinda right into space. She threw herself between Jodie and Starr Ann then drew that big gun of hers and pointed it right at Starr Ann. Quick as anything, Jodie jumped back in between and latched onto Starr Ann, covering her up so there was no way Bolinda could have shot Starr Ann without getting Jodie too.

That put Bolinda even more out of control. And on top of that, Starr Ann was struggling with all her might, trying to push Jodie out of the way. Jodie was hanging on pretty good and Starr Ann started kicking her and cussin' like I never heard her cuss before.

Swear to god, I believe Bolinda was getting turned on watching them wrestle like that. Well, I sure wasn't. I took that opportunity to land a foot upside Bolinda's butt and snatch that gun out of her hand. I tried to look threatening without actually pointing the sickening thing at her.

Bolinda laughed in my face. "Go ahead, shoot it at me. It isn't loaded."

True to her lousy word, the gun was empty.

Jodie, Starr Ann and I were still, after all that, open to discussing whatever problem Bolinda had brought with her. She was having none of it. Seems she and Jodie had slept together twice and Bolinda read a whole lot more into their encounter than there was. Simple as that.

When we finally got rid of Bolinda, I left Jodie and Starr Ann to find a way to dissipate all that leftover adrenalin.

In town, on my way to the sheriff's office to deposit Bolinda's gun, I ran into that airport girl I told you about. Must have been the brush with danger that loosened me up around her this time. I found enough courage to ask her name. It's Erin. Erin London. Have you ever heard a more magical name in all your life?