Once Starr Ann starts having fun, you gotta just get out of her way. Like yesterday. When the local media began falling for her fake news stories, Starr Ann got obsessed.
First, like I already said, one of the local television stations actually broke Starr Ann's hot story about Alberto Gonzales fast-tracking execution by lethal ingestion of Mattel toys. I'll give them credit, the television people did check back to verify some of Starr Ann's facts before they aired the story.
When they called, Starr Ann got all excited and made me answer their questions while she went into the bathroom and screamed from inside the shower, "NOOOOO. NOT THE WATERBOARD!"
This lady reporter on the other end said, real sneaky-like, "What was that?"
"Oh, nothing," I said. "Now, like I was saying, Mr. Gonzales insists that lethal ingestion is much more humane than lethal injection. Think of it this way: needles scare people, toys are fun."
Starr Ann's other big success was with the small e-newsletter put out by the local archdiocese. She leaked to them a bulletin from Archbishop McConnell to the effect that the Catholic Church is initiating a new abortion policy. Starting immediately, the Church will issue Abortion Credits. Starr Ann, in her best Sylvia Poggioli accent, likened these to a cross between the long-gone Church practice of granting Indulgences and the modern environmental policy of emissions trading. She even got the guy at Kneeling Online to believe the Church would be accepting all major credit cards for Abortion Credit purchases.
And to be fair, the e-newsletter guy did try to do some verifying too. But when he asked to speak directly with the archbishop, Starr Ann said, in a real meaningful way, that he was busy with some troubled youth over in the rectory.
