Friday, October 12, 2007

An Open Letter To Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore

Dear Mr. Gore,

Heartfelt and heady congratulations to you and the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change on winning the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize.

Since cowgirls are always eager to cut to the chase, I'm just going to say it right up front: Please run for president in 2008. Please.

Do you have any idea how much good it would do the world to have an honorable human being in that office after the past seven insane years?

Just for starters, people like my best friend Starr Ann, our neighbor Jodie, and me could finally let go of that tight, bitter feeling that grips our stomachs every time we let ourselves face the shameful acts that have been done and are still being done in our names. Can you even begin to fathom the relief we and so many other caring Americans would feel as the bile receded and we started to feel proud of our country again?

And if you became the leader of the world, which the leader of this empire certainly is, we really think that world would breathe a sigh of relief so big, your scientist friends at the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change could probably pick it up on satellite images.

Remember how those cowards who stole the presidency from you said the Iraqis would greet the US with flowers and open arms? Well, I don't know how many flowers we've left alive in Iraq, but if you took charge, we'd be willing to bet anything that most of the Iraqis who still have arms would open them wide for you. If not right away, maybe a few months down the line.

If all that's not enough, please allow me to appeal to the personal benefits you'd get from agreeing to be our president.

First of all, Starr Ann points out that you've been running yourself ragged out there in your relentless quest to wake everybody up about what we are doing to Mother Earth. If you were president, you could take off at least three months a year to goof off and clear brush. Of course, with your active intellect, that might be a perquisite you choose to forgo. That would be up to you.

Then there's all that traveling. If you were living in that big white house, you'd be home a lot more and that means you'd eat better. Very gently, and with all respect, we'd like to mention that eating out every night has not been a friend to your waistline, sir, and we fret over your health on that account.

You may have noticed that we're kind of women-centered around here at The Chronicles. Come on, sir, our stats show that you hit our page every day, and we are quite honored. But anyway, don't think for one second we'd hesitate to toss Hillary overboard if you decided to run. Truly. Much as we'd love to see a woman in charge, we're not all that excited about it being that particular one. Anyway, as far as we're concerned, you're twice the woman Hillary is. That didn't come out right. Don't have any stickers made up with that on them.

Another thing Starr Ann is counting on is this. Since you're now a great friend of Melissa Etheridge, and since we have all Melissa's CDs and are so close to her ourselves, we'd feel sincerely represented for a change. Not represented in a calculated, how-can-I-get-their-votes-without-pissing-off-the-straight-people kind of way. But sincerely represented. Does that make sense? If not, don't worry, it's just how Starr Ann is.

Last, but not least, being a Nobel Peace Laureate, you can probably meet Arundhati Roy any time you want to, can't you? Wow. Awesome.

So, Mr. Al Gore, Nobel Peace Laureate, let me just say it one more time. Please run for president in 2008. Please.

Love, hope and peace,
Starr Ann, Jodie Diamond, Margo Moon