Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Socks Suck

Starr Ann hardly ever drinks liquor. She's a kinda health nut. But when she does drink, maybe once or twice a year, she always does the same two things. She gets extra sensitive about her socks and keeps fixing them, pulling them tight and straight in her boots. Other thing she does is throw herself at me, like she's in heat bigtime and I'm the only thing moving on the whole face of the Earth.

So, the other night, our new neighbor took over at the cemetery to give us a night off. Very nice of Lori. Anyway, Jodie and Starr Ann and I thought we'd fix a simple supper and take it easy over at Jodie's place. And for some reason, Starr Ann brought along a bottle of Wild Turkey, her aphrodisiac of choice.

After Starr Ann tossed back the first one, I got a little bit on my guard, but was thinking that since she and Jodie are together now, Starr Ann's slut behavior would probably get diverted to Jodie, where it belongs. And, really, it started out like maybe that was how it was going to go.

Five minutes after the second shot, Starr Ann rubbed her breasts across my arm as she reached for the salt. Oh-oh.

Jodie was just coming back to the table with her second plate and caught sight of Starr Ann's next move - a little kiss on my neck. I saw Jodie register the gesture, glance over at the bottle, process the situation, and sit calmly down to finish the meal. Damn, she's quite the woman.

As we cleaned up Jodie's kitchen, Starr Ann outright pinned me in the corner over by the china cabinet. I twisted my thigh from between Starr Ann's and sidestepped fast enough to scoot over to the other side of Jodie. This time, Jodie gave me a look that carried the obvious question.

I said, "You haven't been around Starr Ann when she's had a little nip yet, Jodie. Been meaning to tell you how alcohol affects that girl." And I am just about sure I did this transparently nervous laugh thing I do sometime when I'm transparently nervous.

Jodie leaned to whisper to me without taking her eyes off Starr Ann, who happened to be pouring her third drink. "Margo, isn't it about time you two resolved a few things?"

I repeated that laugh. Dang. "Jodie, Starr Ann has been behaving this exact same way every time she gets looped, ever since we were ten years old."

Kinda loud, Jodie said, "Ten?"

That got Starr Ann's attention and she came over to put her arms around me. I said, "Well, yeah, we told you about the nuns and the orphanage, right?"

Jodie smirked as Starr Ann nuzzled my neck. "That's a non sequitur, Margo."

I willed my goose bumps to smoothen out as I said, "Communion wine. Stole it."

"Ah, now I get it." Jodie seemed genuinely amused by the whole thing. But she went over and got our hats anyway. "Tell you what," she said, "much as I'm tempted to ask to watch, I'm sending you two on your way and do hope you tend to this." She wiggled her finger back and forth between Starr Ann and me at pelvis level. I thought that little detail was uncalled for.

Anyway, before we knew it, Jodie had Starr Ann up on Trickster and was saying, "Get up there behind her, Margo. I don't think she should ride by herself. You okay, Starr Ann, baby?"

Starr Ann pulled up on her left sock and said, "Yep, Sweetheart. I'll get Oatmeal in the morning. Coming, Margo?"

Jodie is evil. She said, "Yeah, Margo, coming?"

I refused to answer, just nudged Trickster and gave Ms. Jodie Diamond a dirty look, which I'm actually rather proud of doing, given I was fairly knocked off balance by the whole evening.

The ride home wasn't all that comfortable for me. There was a nice moon shining down, Trickster was setting a relaxing pace, and nobody could ever accuse Starr Ann of being anything other than a good feeling woman. So, like I said, not all that comfortable.

By the time we got home, the fresh air had Starr Ann all alert and coordinated again, but she was still driving me crazy. Then I started thinking, Why not? Maybe Jodie was right. Get this resolved.

Starr Ann had followed me to my room, assuming she'd just sleep in there with me, and I said, "Are you sober?"

She laughed, and it sounded like Starr Ann's normal laugh, all right. So, I said, "You're clear on what we're doing, right? I mean, if you stay here tonight, it probably won't be like when we just cuddle up."

Starr Ann nodded, real sensible.

I said, "Because, Starr Ann, I am only human, you know. And Jodie is fine with whatever happens. And goddess, Starr Ann, you are so-"

Right then, Starr Ann kinda lost the thread of the conversation because she just had to pull her boots off and straighten out her socks. Then she put her boots back on, even though we were about to get into bed.

I sat her down on the chair by the window, removed her boots properly, and helped her over to the bed. As she fell asleep, I retold her one of our favorite stories from when we were at the orphanage. The one that ends with Raymond Ormsted laughing so hard he squirted cream cheese mixed with grape juice right out his nose.

As she fell asleep, Starr Ann said, "Raymond Ormsted was such a weanie."

I said, "Yes, he was."